"...And give us this day our daily bread," a phrase that holds so much promise, yet means so little to me. I really have no idea what receiveing daily bread would look like or what that kind of dependency would entail. I am a comfortable American ensconced in a corpulent lap of luxury, and what's worse, I like it. I really do. I like this self-constructed sense of independence and will continue to do so despite its propensity to come crashing down around me...unless I change. Trajectories are never easy to alter. More or less, they can be determined with great consistency by a series of equations. The destination can be pinpointed with the use of a little calculation and a little critical thinking. I've punched the numbers for my trajectory and I like where I am headed, which is rather funny because I shouldn't. I shouldn't like it all. It looks a lot like whence I came. An entirely synthetic, and entirely false sense of security. One that acknowledges no daily bread, and in that, little dependence on God. Only self.
Maybe that's why I have these "life-altering events." These crises that seem to shake my world and leave me with a feeling of helplessness and dependence that I had previously never known to exist. The kind of feeling that leaves me feeling such an overwhelming sense of self-pity that I foolishly begin to believe that I too have the right to cry out, "Eli Eli lama sabachthani?" "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" What a fool I am. I begin to play the martyr crying out silly mutterings and musings that sound as if they were taken verbatim from Job 30. The funny thing is that I am often too dense to realize that this deviation probably just saved my life. This alteration in my trajectory is an attempt to deliver me from my ominous destination, a destination that should scare the living hell out of me. Yet the hell seems to remain. For I often foolishly try to course-correct, I try alter my life in such a way that I can still make my prior destination: the same one that promises me death. Much like a dog that returns to its vomit, I return to my empire of dirt. I look at it and recognize that it is indeed an empire of little value, but it's the only thing I know. The only thing that is tangible before me. So I defend it like a rebel. What if for one moment I was to lay down my arms as C.S. Lewis has suggested, and stop playing the rebel? What if I was to turn over my empire that often fall subject to Moth, Rust, and Thief alike? What if for once I was able to see that my impending destination will be the death of me, and take heart in these deviations in my life trajectory? What if I could lay down my guns and lift my hands? What if I was to forsake this empire of dirt for the promise of something better--something that promises to be worth its eternal weight in glory?
Psalms 16:1-11 ( NASB )
Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You.
I said to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good besides You.”
As for the saints who are in the earth, They are the majestic ones in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those who have bartered for another god will be multiplied; I shall not pour out their drink offerings of blood, Nor will I take their names upon my lips.
The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You support my lot.
The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.
I will bless the LORD who has counseled me; Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night.
I have set the LORD continually before me; Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; My flesh also will dwell securely.
For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol; Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay.
You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.
My daily bread is my portion and my inheritance. Let me lay down my guns and lift my hands to the one that knocks me "off-course" again and again in order that I should reach a destination that is worth both living and dying for. Amen.
